THOUGHTS ON THE BEACH!
DO*S AND DON*TS OF BEACHY TRIPS & MORE
5 BEACH DO*S
APPLY (AND REAPPLY) THAT SUNSCREEN (OR HAVE SOMEONE YOU TRUST DO IT): SUNSCREEN APPLICATION IS NOT ONE AND DONE. KEEP REAPPLYING EVERY HOUR OR SO. PREFERABLY YOU’RE USING THE LOTION KIND (I DON’T THINK THE SPRAY IS AS EFFECTIVE!!). IF YOU’RE NOT ALONE, HAVE SOMEONE ELSE DO YOUR BACK. THEY WILL BE *RELIEVED* WHEN YOU ASK THEM BECAUSE THEN THE “LAW OF RECIPROCITY” IS ENACTED AND YOU MUST DO THEIR BACK (THERE’S NOTHING WORSE THAN A BACK BURN)!!! NEVER FORGET THE TIME I ASKED MY FRIEND RACHEL (SHE WENT TO HARVARD) TO APPLY SUNSCREEN TO MY BACK AND I WAS LEFT WITH A SUNBURN MARK/TAN LINE OF HER HANDPRINT FOR AN ENTIRE SUMMER.
TAKE A WALK: ALONE OR WITH A FRIEND. GOING TO THE BEACH IS A MOSTLY A SEDENTARY ACTIVITY BUT I LOVE A LIL CHEEKY WALK ALONG THE WATER. A BEACH WALK IS A MUST ON EVERY BEACH TRIP.
ABOVE: THIS CHICA IS TAKING A WALK ON A BEACH IN PORTUGAL!! SHE’S IN AWE!!
SECURE YOUR FOOD: THE GULLS IN THE NORTHEAST ARE SAVAGE. I’VE HAD MY $15 SANDWICHES EATEN BY THOSE HUNGRY LITTLE BEASTS WHILE I’M TAKING A REFRESHING DIP. THEY ARE SMART, CREATIVE AND THEY WILL EAT YOUR LUNCH IF YOU’RE NOT CAREFUL. I’VE SEEN THEM OPEN ZIPPERS AND SLICE OPEN SEALED CAPE COD CHIP BAGS BY BREAKING THEM WITH THEIR LIL BEAKS. KEEP YOUR FOOD ON LOCKDOWN!!
BRING A BOOK: THE BEACH IS THE PERFECT PLACE TO NOT TALK TO ANYONE, TURN INWARDS AND READ A LIL PAGE-TURNER WHILE LISTENING TO THE SWEET SOUNDS OF THE OCEAN WAVES. I PARTICULARLY LOVE PARALLEL PLAYING AND READING ALL AT THE SAME TIME WITH MY BEACH PEOPLE. YOU DON’T ALWAYS NEED TO BE YAPPING! MY CURRENT BEACH READS YOU ASK? WANT BY GILLIAN ANDERSON (IT’S FINE) AND SKIPPY DIES BY PAUL MURRAY (AUTHOR OF MY FAVORITE READ OF LAST SUMMER, THE BEE STING).
STOP FOR AN ICE CREAM (AKA SCRIM) AFTER: NO BEACH TRIP IS COMPLETE WITHOUT AN AFTER BEACH SCRIM. EVERYONE NEEDS A COLD TREAT TO COOL THEM OFF AFTER A HOT DAY MARINATING ON THE SAND. IT’S THE CHERRY ON TOP OF A *BEACH DAY*! RECENTLY, I WENT TO CAPTAIN DUSTY’S AFTER A 100 DEGREE DAY AT SINGING BEACH (MY FAVORITE BEACH OF ALL TIME). THEY HAD THE BROWNIE ICE CREAM OF MY DREAMS…WHICH WAS ESPECIALLY REDEMPTIVE AFTER GOING TO [NAME REDACTED IN EFFORT TO NOT HARM LOCAL BUSINESS] IN ESSEX WHERE THE BROWNIE SCRIM I ORDERED HAD 0 BROWNIES IN IT…HEARTBREAKING.
NOTE: S/O TO ZB FOR COINING THE TERM “SCRIM”. A WORD I USE DAILY THAT SAVES ME A SYLLABLE.
ABOVE: A PHOTO I STOLE FROM YELP BECAUSE WHO HAS TIME TO TAKE PICS OF THEIR MELTING SCRIM ON A HOT SUMMER DAY? DRASHTI T. LIKES THE BROWNIE SCRIM TOO.
3 BEACH DON*TS
USE YOUR PHONE: THE BEACH IS THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY TO UNPLUG FROM PHONE LIFE. BETWEEN THE HEAT AND THE LACK OF SERVICE, ODDS ARE THAT YOUR PHONE WILL BARELY WORK ANYWAY. PUT THAT PHONE ON *AIRPLANE MODE* AND ENJOY BEING 100% PRESENT.
DRINK ALCOHOL (UNLESS YOU’RE IN MEXICO OR MIAMI IN SOME SORT OF CABANA SITCH): DO YOU WANT TO PASS OUT AND DIE? WHEN IT’S 85 DEGREES AND ABOVE IN MASSACHUSETTS IT’S JUST TOO DAMN HOT TO BE DRINKING UNDER THE SUN. YOU NEED WATER WHEN IT’S 90 DEGREES…NOT SPIKED SELTZERS.
ABOVE: LOOK AT THESE TWO STAYING *HYDRATED* AT A BEACH IN FRANCE. TWO WATER BOTTLES, A COCA COLA AND EVEN SUNSCREEN (THE LOTION KIND).
SIT NEXT TO A BEAUTIFUL GIRL READING PEACEFULLY IF YOU’RE IN A GROUP OF 10 LOUDMOUTHS: SAID BEAUTIFUL GIRL [ME] WILL BE SO DISTRACTED BY THE CACOPHONY THAT SHE WON’T BE ABLE TO READ HER SMUT AND INSTEAD WILL LISTEN TO YOU RECOUNT THE TIME THAT YOUR CRUSH OF 15 YEARS, SOFIA, CAME TO YOUR HOUSE AFTER BREAKING UP WITH HER BOYFRIEND. SHE DRANK YOUR BEER AND CUDDLED WITH YOU BUT THEN TOLD YOU SHE DIDN’T LIKE YOUR BODY TYPE. I AM SORRY THAT HAPPENED TO YOU BUT IF THERE IS ROOM THEN LET’S GIVE FELLOW BEACHGOERS SOME SPACE!!
2 BEACH NEGOTIABLES
HOW MUCH YOU’RE PACKING: I AM TEAM *PACK LIGHT*. ALL I NEED IS MY TAPESTRY, SNACKIES, AGUA, BOOK AND SUN PROTECTION GEAR. I WANT A CHILL WALK FROM THE CAR TO THE SAND AND TO CARRY ALL MY THINGS BY MY LONESOME. MY BODY SHUDDERS WHEN I PASS A FAMILY WITH THE DREADED *WAGON* WITH A YEAR’S SUPPLY OF BEACH THINGS. I WILL SAY THAT A CHAIR AND ONE OF THOSE POP-UP THINGS (*A COOL CABANA*, PERHAPS?) SEEM NICE BUT THEY’RE TOO MUCH WORK FOR MOI. YOU WILL NEVER CATCH ME WITH EITHER UNLESS ONE IS GRACIOUSLY BESTOWED UPON ME.
ABOVE: THE BEACH WAGON SCENE THAT TERRIFIES ME!!
BEACH GAMES: YES, I LOVE TO MOVE MY BODY (IN VERY SPECIFIC WAYS, OF COURSE) BUT BEACH GAMES ARE NOT FOR ME. I DO NOT WANT TO PLAY SPIKE BALL, CAN JAM, BEACH PONG OR ANY OF THE OTHER SOUTH SHORE TEENAGE BOY FRAT GAMES THAT HAVE HIT THE SCENE. FRIENDS THAT LOVE THESE GAMES—I LOVE YOU AND LOVE THAT YOU LOVE PLAYING THEM—BUT THE ONLY BEACH MOVEMENT I CAN BE BOTHERED TO DO IS A BEACH WALK (SEE ABOVE) OR HOPPING THE *WAVES*.
3 BEACH CURIOSITIES
SHARK ATTACKS: EVERY TIME I GO TO THE BEACH I THINK OF THE POSSIBILITY OF A SHARK BITING/EATING/ATTACKING ME. I THINK IT’S A VERY TYPICAL BEACH THOUGHT. AN ATTACK IS POSSIBLE, BUT UNLIKELY.
CHILDREN: I AM NOT A PARENT BUT I CRINGE AT THE THOUGHT OF THE AMOUNT OF WORK IT TAKES TO BRING KIDS TO THE BEACH. I CAN BARELY TAKE CARE OF MYSELF AT THE BEACH. HOW ARE PARENTS PACKING EVERYTHING THEIR BEBES NEED, SUNSCREENING THEM AN APPROPRIATE AMOUNT AND DEALING WITH THE UPS AND DOWNS OF CHILDHOOD BEACH FEELINGS WITH GRACE? IF I HAD A CHILD I DON’T THINK I WOULD BRING THEM TO THE BEACH UNTIL THEY WERE 7 AND COULD MOSTLY FEND FOR THEMSELVES.
BEACH FOOD: MY GO-TO BEACH FOOD IS ALWAYS MY SIGNATURE TUNA FISH SANDWICH (WITH AVO, LIL LEAF LETT, CHEDDAR, LIGHT MAYO, AND DILL (WHEN I HAVE HER!!)), SOME FOLDED CHIPS, A PICKLE SPEAR AND A LEMON SPINDRIFT. I BRING ONE WATER BOTTLE OF ICE/WATER AND ANOTHER GIANT ONE MOSTLY WITH ICE. STAY HYDRATED!!! I LOVE SEEING WHAT PEOPLE BRING TO THE BEACH FOR NOMS. A FEW WEEKS AGO, MY FRIEND KELSEY BROUGHT HIS LEFTOVER MOVIE THEATER POPCORN FROM THE NIGHT BEFORE WHEN HE SAW SINNERS. I LOVED THAT LIL WEIRDO BEACH MOVE!!
ABOVE: MY TEXTS WITH 5 DIFFERENT PEOPLE OVER THE PAST YEAR OFFERING TO BRING EACH OF THEM A TUNA SAMMY TO THE BEACH. TUNA IS NOT FOR EVERYONE!!! I GET IT!!
I HOPE YOU GET TO THE BEACH THIS SUMMER <3.
LOVE & STUFF,
BEACH BLISS, BABY!!